Dismissing the Gardener

by Gabe Goodman

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    Cover photo by Will Radin
    Layout by Vinnie Neuberg

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1.
Envision It 02:57
took one look at you baby a moment so nice it only felt natural to leave it off balance, i felt sick, i told my friends the gist they smiled and laughed at me and said “no, you’re in love you idiot" you said you’d never travel for someone you were on a bus to visit me at dawn hard to envision it hard to live within it hard to feel good i said i’d never felt this for someone the most efficient way to end the fun hard to envision it hard to live within it hard to feel good
2.
Wading 02:03
what do i long for? it's to unlearn a body relax the muscle not the memory to be vacant but available to you to be earnest when confronting what is brutal If i can never be in the same place twice For it and i remain renewed it seems prudent now to neglect the muscle and the memory I am vacant, i’m available to you I am earnest, i am honest But other waters go flowing on what do i long for to wade in the same river again what do i long for to wade in the same river as a different man
3.
“how would that make you feel” she asks in hopes i’ll validate something inscrutable with an affirmation of love when i feel bad, i don’t need you and when i’m alright, you complicate that “how would that make you feel to arrive upon the realization the numbness is now to you both the bandage and the wound" both the bandage and the wound when i feel bad, i don’t need you and when it’s alright it’s usually more complicated
4.
Burden 01:18
building and rebuilding a construct of loss that's performative and perfectible something i can sell back to myself when i’m squeamish before the gore i like to do things for you but i would do anything to remain desirable to you that’s my burden
5.
Fixed Point 02:47
i lost intertia while looking for lessons sat on the subway scrolling and obsessing got in the habit of letting your absence become the fixed point, bad news when i’m laughing but you don’t seem to think about it so i don’t need to think about it silly to feel angry anymore woke up on my birthday to cash in my account lucky and embarrassed i felt the ice thaw out and knew that i needed to talked about it yes i needed to talk about it silly to feel angry anymore there’s not much to wager in forgiving a stranger i can’t pretend to know you anymore
6.
the lines are mutable, i feel collapsed on all sides I give the keys over to another a figure in darkness i know of removes my clothes and swiftly makes me a lover when you hold my body and i leave my body we return just as we left this place with me and you and him the closest thing to intimate i wonder where we kept our private space time is moveable i watch you cut from one life and paste its pieces in another the present becomes a distraction And I grow detached i wait for you to make me a lover i wait for you to make me a lover

credits

released November 9, 2018

all songs written by Gabe Goodman

produced by Gabe Goodman and Will G. Radin
engineered and mixed by Will G. Radin
additional engineering by Gabe Goodman
mastered by Jonathan Low

drums (1, 3, 5), Wurlitzer (1, 2, 3, 5) - Will G. Radin
saxophone (3, 5) - Ben Chapoteau-Katz
background vocals (1,2, 3) - Nuala O’Donovan

photography by Will G. Radin

recorded in Raynham, MA and Brooklyn, NY, 2018

special thanks to Scott Riebling, Rachel Alina, Joel Newberger, Vinnie Neuberg, Anthony Dahut, Victoria Canel, Michael Adubato, Holden Jaffe, the Radin family, Patty Greer and Maggie Nelson

© 2018 all rights reserved

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